How the Narcissist Hurts You Using Cognitive Empathy
What if I
told you that empathy could cause horrible – even unspeakable – physical and
emotional pain?
“But Kim, isn’t empathy
the glue that holds relationships together and creates a positive environment
for communication?”
Yes, but not all empathy
is equal.
In fact, the narcissist uses a very specific kind of empathy as a vessel
to get into your head, manipulate your thoughts, and abuse you.
Here’s how
it works and why the “narcissist lack of empathy” concept is a farce.
The Different Types of Empathy
Empathy itself can be
good or bad – it depends on how the person experiences, interprets, and reacts.
The
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the term as “the action of understanding, being aware of,
being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and
experience of another of either the past or present without having the
feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively
explicit manner.”
No, Merriam-Webster
isn’t a psychology journal or expert in the field, but this definition is
pretty spot-on.
Why?
It does not mention
anything about experiencing compassion, remorse, or humanity. Here are the
different types of empathy and how they play out in action.
Emotional Empathy
This is when you quite
literally feel yourself in someone’s shoes. You cry with your friend who is
experiencing hardship like the death of a loved one. You feel the same pain of
those around you even though you aren’t experiencing the pain.
The problem
here is that this feeling can almost immobilize a person. If you felt so
distraught by a homeless person’s suffering that you gave away all your
possessions and became homeless yourself, that doesn’t help the situation much,
right?
Compassionate
Empathy
This type can be
empowering: you understand a person’s hardship but since you aren’t
experiencing it yourself, you’re able to take action and improve the situation.
If someone is drowning,
you shouldn’t jump into the river yourself because you’d both be stuck.
Instead, you should stick out a branch or rope they can grab onto. That’s
compassionate empathy.
Cognitive
Empathy
This is where things
start to get dark. Think of every sleazy lawyer, salesperson, or interrogator
you’ve ever heard about or come across – they all utilize cognitive empathy.
This gives
narcissists the ability to see things from your perspective and then act in a
way that’s most beneficial to them. Cognitive empathy is still
empathy – just not the kind most people are familiar with.
Why the Narcissist’s Lack of Empathy Concept is a Myth
Narcissists don’t lack
empathy in the way we typically believe – they lack compassion, remorse, and
regret.
We tend to confuse
emotions like compassion with empathy, but as mentioned above, a person can
understand what another person feels, thinks, and experiences without feeling
the human emotions that go along with it.
That’s exactly why the
narcissist’s lack of empathy concept is a farce – and a dangerous one at that.
It tends to
let them off the hook for very hurtful behavior. The narcissist’s lack of
empathy idea implies that their abusive behavior is completely unintentional.
In reality, it’s
extremely manipulative and extremely intentional.
How
the Narcissist Uses Cognitive Empathy to Hurt and Manipulate You
When you’re on the
receiving end of a narcissist’s abuse, does it feel like you’re being
tortured?
Well, that’s because you
are.
In December of 2014, the
Senate Intelligence Committee released a report about the CIA’s
“enhanced interrogation” methods. The report details how the CIA cooperated
with psychologists for years to develop a program that forces the subject into a
state of learned helplessness.
When you’re in a state
of learned helplessness, you have suffered so much torment from outside trauma
that you essentially give up your own autonomy. Learned helplessness can lead
to depression and other mental illness.
If an
interrogator (or narcissist) wants to force their subject into learned
helplessness, the first step is to establish a connection.
And what’s the
narcissist’s tool for establishing connection? Cognitive empathy.
Using Cognitive Empathy to Get What They Want
As you can see, the
narcissist’s lack of empathy is a myth because they need to use cognitive
empathy to get what they want from those around them.
The interrogator wants
to get information, the salesperson wants to sell a car, and the lawyer wants
to win their case. In all of these situations, they need cognitive empathy to
get into the subject’s head. They need to understand the subject’s feelings and
thoughts which they can then manipulate into producing an outcome that’s most
beneficial to them.
That’s why you’ve likely
found yourself bouncing back and forth many times wondering “do they love me or
hate me?” It’s a lot easier to believe this is not intentional and that the
narcissist is not in control of their emotions and actions – but these actions
are calculated.
Like the interrogator,
narcissists interpret emotions like love, openness, kindness, and generosity as
weaknesses. And if you give an inch, they’ll take a mile, back up, and drive
the same mile over and over until you’re pulling your hair out.
How
to Shield Yourself from Their Harmful Words or Actions
The first step is to
recognize when the narcissist is utilizing cognitive empathy to achieve their
goals. In the beginning, this isn’t easy because you’re human and apt to
respond to perceived kindness with kindness.
But the narcissist’s
false kindness does not come without a cost.
It’s also important to
identify what the narcissist wants from you. This could be anything including
money, housework, caring for the kids, or any obligations the narcissist feels
are beneath them and must be cast upon someone less-than.
In other cases, the
narcissist may just want a proverbial punching bag to blame for their problems
or unleash their emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse.
But
responding to their false kindness and compassion by returning the favor won’t
get you anything but further abuse.
Narcissists cannot be reasoned with.
That’s why you need to do everything in your power to
avoid the narcissist and cut them out of your life at all costs. Otherwise, the
narcissist will use cognitive empathy indefinitely to take advantage of you and
destroy you.
They won’t respond well – far from it – but it’s the only
solution.
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